Best Plates of the Year: 2024

I genuinely appreciate year-end lists as an opportunity to find new things to enjoy. I get gift ideas from NPR’s Book Concierge (now called “Books We Love”); I keep the spirit of the 90s alive via “best music video” compilations (formerly via Pitchfork); and I rediscover my belief in art/cinema/life via Dave Ehrlich’s incredible annual montage of the top 25 films of the year (here’s 2023, for reference). But at the same time, there’s a lot of lists for books and movies and the like, but who shall speak on behalf of the plates? Well, the answer is me, I think; me shall speak on behalf of the plates. But before me do, let me address something that’s been on me mind…

Some people have asked me recently: “hey man, are you okay?” And then when I continue to maintain my iphone’s focus on PIEROGI while calmly executing a lane change at 82 mph during rush hour, they have sometimes pressed on, saying: “it seems like you’re spending a lot of time on license plates lately.” 

Well, HENRY, first of all, you’re welcome for the ride, you artless coward! But also — yeah, man, I am okay. And you know how I know I’m okay? Because I’ve still got enough gas in my proverbial tank to find a higher purpose in my commute! But also, once you’ve seen enough plates (and I have), you start to really value the plates that have their shit together — and also really resent the plates that don’t. Which brings me to:

A Universal Theory of License Plates

You might think that my plate rankings each month are done on a “willy-nilly” basis, without reference to an overarching philosophy or aesthetics. You would be wrong, though. And in the interest of transparency, I would like to share my vanity plate hierarchy with you now:

Category 0: Busted Unsolveables (Examples: STI4ME) - These plates don’t merit a proper category as they fail to make their intended meaning clear to even the most dedicated plate-watcher. At best, their messages provide some comic relief; at worst, their ambiguities are unresolvable, no matter how many people you ask.

Category 1: Car Ads (Examples: ERLGRY3; AIDRIVR) - The lowest form of the lowest form of a proper vanity plate is one that simply re-states what the car itself declares: a certain make, model, or color. Sometimes people attempt to inject some personality via an additional “GO” or “ZOOM”, but frankly, nothing makes me madder than “HNDAGO”. This is not, however, an un-lyrical realm, as certain plate poets can sometimes use their color choices to reflect on deeper psychic tendencies (REDRUM1). Still, it’s hard to break out in this category.

Category 1A: Driver References (Examples: UFCMOM; AIDRIVR; JESSICA) - If your personal brand is the kind of thing that can be expressed in 7 characters, then maybe just meditate on that fact for a moment. That’s why this corollary appears so low, though I do appreciate the bald self-aggrandizing spirit of these plates. 

Category 2: Vibe Plates (Examples: KLEWNRG; EHGOLOW) - The “Keep Calm and Carry on” of license plate categories. If you find that your personal vibe is license-plate-able, that’s great, but leave me out of it. 

Category 3: Cultural Shout-outs (Examples: OH1MRK; GCSTNZA) - Mileage will vary here, but that’s kind of the point. If you are in on one of these plates, you get the thrill of recognition. And if you’re on the outside, they make you wonder, “huh, what am I missing?” But if a plate makes you do some internet research -- or, even better, inspires you to watch a movie that has inspired others to throw spoons at a screen and drink “Scotchka” – then by God, that plate has done its job.

Category 4: Haunting Ambiguities (Examples: FOAM BRO; FATTOES) - These plates are not unsuccessful puns or broken bits of code, but rather unresolvable enigmas, reflecting – or suggesting – a deep ambiguity in the heart of the driver as well (i.e., even if they are more properly a Category 1 plate, their ambiguity holds real power). FOAM BRO is the perfect example, because who is the foam bro? And the answer is: no one knows. Same thing goes for FATTOES: what does it refer to? Is it literal? Is it metaphorical? Is it a joke? Is it a reclamation project? And if the answer to all of these questions is “yes,” then where does that leave us. (Again, no one knows.)

Category 5: Penetrable Codes (Examples: BAHBAAH; FULWNSR) - These plates unfurl their meaning calmly, over the rush of traffic, via the hum of the road. They are quiet at first, but as their meaning becomes clear, they stand as clarion calls about the nature of the driver within: they are brilliant, assured, magisterial. Later, we reflect with gratitude on their casual confidence, on their belief that, with enough time, we would understand them. We owe them our thanks, for they are the highest expression of VNTYPL8-hood; and the only mode I will truly accept. These are the ones that challenge us all to do better, be better, be best.

As you can already see, these categories are permeable, as many Category 5 plates ultimately reflect on the driver via the driver’s car, identity, or cultural affiliations. But let’s not put too fine a point on it, okay? It’s hard to do a lot with seven characters, and all these plates did their best. But in the end, we did manage to reduce our list of contenders down to 10, as follows…

The Contenders

The Final Countdown

We graded each plate from 1 to 5 (5 being highest) across three criteria: (1) category value (2) excellence within given category, and (3) tying it all together-ness. On that basis, we had three finalists:

FATTOES (12 pts overall) 
GCSTNZA (12 pts overall)
BAHBAAH (15 points overall)

What more can be said about FATTOES (September winner for Most Brazen)? It made us wonder, laugh, and cry at our shared mortality. Also, at the very fact of toes. What are they doing down there, anyway!? But at the same time, you really want a plate to have a point of view. Sure: FAT TOES. Okay, of course; but I want our plate to say more. What about FATTOES, and why? Re: GCTNZA, yeah, sure, that’s a fun little plate, but it never really had a chance. It was a born loser. (Sorry, George.) Which brings me to our winner:

BAHBAAH took me a minute, I cannot tell a lie. And I’m not opposed to a car supplementing its plate message with various bumper stickers, knick-knacks, doo-dads, etc., but this car refuses any such assistance -- and so we must as well. What do we see? A black car. A jeep. But what does that have to do with -- oh god, now we get it. But take a pause. Appreciate the naturalism, and the respect for the literal sheep’s voice: not BAABAA, but BAHBAAH. This bahbaah black jeep bleats like it has spent some hours down on the farm, like it speaks fluent Ovis. And who knows; maybe it has? In any event, it is our winner. BAH BAAH and carry on, into eternity! 

Thanks to all who participated--and especially to top submitters Becca Rosen, Blain Rucker, Jamie Weiss Chilton, and Otto Arsenault--and see you next year!

- Dan Harmon (aka BOGLIFE, a Category 4 contender in 2025)

P. S.: If you enjoyed any of this plates coverage, please consider sharing with like-minded friends (and encouraging them to submit, because I need fresh material); and if you hated the license plate stuff because it got in the way of the cultural coverage, write in and tell us what you’d like to see instead!